All the road's a rage

After some point of time in your life, there are only two people who always keep thinking of you - your wife and your manager. When you are in office, your manager is happy at home dreaming of you slogging your arse off in front of the computer to meet some unrealistic deadline set by him. And when you are at home, your wife is happy out shopping and 'fantasizing' about you doing all the household work. You feel as if your time and space has been hijacked for eternity! And all of a sudden a blaring siren went off in my head. For a moment I thought it was just an acoustic manifestation of my disturbing thoughts. But the decibel level and frequency were closer to that of the ubiquitously irritating horn of a two wheeler and that's when I realized I had been lost in thoughts in the midst of a traffic jam and the sound was coming from a fellow traveler behind me. I instinctively tried to maneuver my car in the two available dimensions but there wasn't much space to do so. So I switched off my engine and tried to get back to my profoundly life altering thoughts. But the high frequency 'noise' from behind was incessant and it was as if the idiot was expecting my car to levitate and give way for him. I wished I had a set of horns towards the rear of my car so that I could 'back-horn' till he went deaf. Or more dramatically I wanted to get out of my car, pull him (or rather drag him) out of his two wheeler, kick his butt and tell him that just because sound travels @ the speed of 330m/s you can't expect everything around it to move at the same speed too. But I was more comfortable with thoughts than actions so I tried to shut the sound out off my mind and get back to dreamland.

As the curtains were rolling down on my eyes, I witnessed an over-enthusiastic chap trying to plough his two wheeled contraption through the infinitesimally small gap available between my car and the one in front of me. Though I was immensely irritated by this senseless endeavor, at the same time I was also eager to see how far he went. He started with intimidation by coming so dangerously close to my car that I had to retreat a bit to avoid being scratched by this moron. Then he resorted to trigonometry by extracting all possible angles available in the gap. But midway he ran out of angles and threw a pleading glance at me. There was no more space for me to steer and he remained wedged like a loaf of ham in a sandwich. I wondered what could be the driving force behind a lot of Indians to indulge in such silly and reckless acts on the road. Is it the urge to reach home early and perform their most important task - having dinner and going early to bed ? Or is it the notion that civic sense is an unnecessary evil thrust on us by the British ?  

By now the road had transformed into a circus and my fellow travelers were morphing into acrobats. And they were using me as an involuntary accomplice too. Suddenly my mobile started ringing and the moment I saw my wife's name on it, I remembered her morning orders to get some household items. Since the traffic was very heavy, I allowed the call to die a natural death and started looking out for some utility store. The moment I found one I parked my car and started walking on the pavement. Hadn't I taken a few steps, I heard a loud horn right behind me. When I turned back, there standing in front of me was the latest menace plaguing Indian roads - the pavement raiders. I wanted to utter loudly - "What do you want jackass ?" But I wasn't sure whether his response would be verbal or physical, so I just threw a disdainfully inquiring look at him. In return he gestured to me to move aside.  That very moment I wanted to take a hammer and break open his nutshell (read as 'head under helmet') but I quietly turned back and continued walking in the middle of the pavement while he followed me honking from behind. After taking a few steps I bent over as if to adjust my lace with the sole intention of irritating him for my satisfaction. Anyway as all good things come to an end, I reached my destination and had to step aside to enter the store when the he roared past me. I am sure he would wanted to bang my head on the pavement, but then the feeling was very mutual.

After shopping I got back to my car and started the last leg of my journey. I wanted to reach home quickly as I was already late by an hour and also the antics on the road were causing heavy activity on my internal barometer. Fortunately the traffic had thinned down and I was able to drive freely for the first time in the past two hours. As I neared a traffic signal it turned red and I came to an halt. And as expected there were a lot of color blind people who continued traveling. But surprisingly once the signal turned green no one was moving even after my incessant honking. Only then I realized that the traffic from the other side was still flowing though their signal had turned red. And clearly anticipating this behavior from their fellow Indians, my side of the traffic was calmly waiting for their turn. Indians had not only learnt the art of transgressing the law but also to co-exist with it. If there was anyone still doubting the theory of evolution, this sight would have been the ultimate proof for its existence. Anyway by now I had lost the will power even to get frustrated and all I wanted to do was reach home. Finally after what seemed like eternity but in reality only two and half an hour, I pulled into my garage. Desperate to chill out and relax, I rang the door bell. The moment the door opened I witnessed the final performance for the day - 'angry wife gone nuts' !  I don't need to elaborate on this act as everyone knows how it is performed :)

Déjà vu !

Déjà vu (noun) :
1. a feeling that one has seen or done something before.

So the Indians have successfully completed another whitewash. This time it is Down Under. And this time the Indian team have really sunk rock bottom. Only some massive unloading might help the team to rise back. But the replacement cargo isn't half as good as the old ones. Well moving from shipping parlance to pure cricketing terms, the future of the Indian test team looks very bleak. Shewag knows to bat only way and clearly that way is leading him only to the pavilion. Dravid has been clean bowled every other time he has been at the crease. Laxman has suddenly realized he is 38 years old and his feet refuse to move. Tendulkar seems to be lost in pursuit of the landmark we all know of. Dhoni is of the 'esteemed' view that tweaking our game to overseas conditions is a waste of time as the majority of our tests are played in the subcontinent. And the bowlers... well looks like they are contemplating early retirement.

And as expected criticism flew from all corners. The media was busy writing the obituary of the seniors. The veterans blamed the IPL and other commercial endeavors of the players for their lack of commitment. The average Indian fan hasn't still recovered from the shock of the appalling defeat. But the Indian team didn't allow any of these criticism to affect their losing streak. Some made brave gestures like showing the middle finger. And some others challenged the Aussies to a revenge series in India. So it looked like the Indians were sticking together as an unit even under such intense pressure. But one 'respectable' media house tapped into the phone conversations of our players and this what they had to say in private -      

MS Dhoni -  "I hope Anna Hazare goes on another fasting while we return to India. Then the media won't bother us."

Virendar Shewag - "My wicket is precious. I should preserve it by batting down the order."

Rahul Dravid - "I should probably take a break from international cricket and play Ranji trophy matches to strengthen my technique."

Gautam Gambhir - "My place in the team is secured as I will replace Dhoni once he gets sacked from the  captaincy."

VVS Laxman - "The bench strength is so poor for anyone to replace me. Hail the Indian domestic system!"

Sachin Tendulkar - "I should get atleast two centuries when India tours Australia next in 2014." 

Yuvraj Singh (back in India) - "Lucky I was injured to be not picked for this tour!!"

Virhat Kohli - "Will they blame IPL for the team's poor showing? Will I be banned from playing for RCB?

Ravichandran Ashwin - "I was stupid to combine my honeymoon with the Australian tour. Now will BCCI reimburse my honeymoon bills as promised."

Zaheer Khan - "I will be better off as a bowling coach than a bowler as did Venkatesh Prasad. Let me propose this to the selectors."

Ishant sharma - "The BCCI has announced a post retirement pension plan for those retiring voluntarily. I should better opt for it."

Sourav Ganguly (from the commentary box) - "Will they sack Dhoni and ask me to lead the team? Or will they consider me for the No.6 position? Anyway the team deserves this for the injustice they meted out to me. "

The media blow job!

This Diwali, TV channels were all about two super hit movies. One was 'Endhiran' starring the GOD (Grand Old Daddy) and another was the Hollywood movie 'Good will hunting' (not to be confused with the one starring Matt Damon)  which deals with the journey of a middle-aged American couple who come to India to expand their business empire by apparently earning the good will of its people. The Indians fall for their trap and dish out royal treatment but are left empty handed. Whether the Indians get back their revenge or not forms the rest of the story. The movie starred the real life couple Barack Obama and Michelle Obama and was premiered on all Indian news channels. Those who don't get the metaphor should have been worshiping the GOD on the regional channels. Because the Indian media had once again gone over-board, with their coverage of Obamas' visit evoking a sense of dejavu!

The Indian media had been a terrified lot on the prospect of facing a lull period ahead. The next IPL was far ahead. The CWG had just concluded. And there were no terror attacks to telecast. Then like the sun which rises in the east, the Obamas arose from the west to offer them a glimmer of 'HOPE'. And Obama atlast got an opportunity to convert the 4 letter word (he had been bragging two winters back) into the 6 letter word 'ACTION'. Though I had pushed all these Indian news channels very far down, every time my cable operator retunes I get unlucky. One such chance encounter with the annoying kind is what I have tried to caricature in this blog. 

Disclaimer - The decibel levels in this show are subject to the mood of the news presenter and there is no assurance or guarantee that your hearing might be the same after this show.

"Welcome everyone. You are watching India@6 on Channel1 - India's leading news channel. This show has been moved from 9PM to 6PM so that we are the first to break every major news!"

"The major story breaking today on our network as will be for the next few weeks, is about Mr.Obama's visit to India. Today is a momentous day in the history of India-U.S. ties. Mr.Obama has atlast uttered the unholy P-word on Indian soil buckling to the relentless pressure exerted by our channel!!

"He also strongly supported India's bid for a permanent seat in UNSC! No other country has been able to earn such an unconditional endorsement from U.S. Channel1 has been receiving praises from various quarters for able to achieve things that even Indian diplomacy couldn't. There will be a special coverage of this today @ 9PM."

BREAKING NEWS PROMINENT BOLLYWOOD LOVE-BIRDS TO TIE THE NUPTIAL KNOT!! 

"Joining us today in our studio are famous personalities to discuss the huge significance of this historic event on the future of India in particular and the world in general. Lets start with Mr.Karat. Sir, your party has always been skeptical of the Indo-U.S. ties. But the latest slew of announcements made by Obama - thanks to our channel -  should infuse lot of confidence in your politburo."

"Randeep, what Mr.Obama said was that he would like to see a reformed security council with India as a permanent member. He never mentioned..."

"Mr.Karat, I asked you a straightforward question but you are trying to beat around the bush. Just..."

"No I am just trying to explain the real..."

"Sir you are trying to hog a lot of air time by getting into unnecessary details. So just reply to my question in one word - Does the recent announcements made by Obama take Indo-U.S. ties to the next level?"
 
"No. The reason..."

"I think we are losing contact with Mr.Karat. In the meantime lets hear from Mr.Rahul the spokesperson of the ruling party. On a side note there is news trickling in that Saif Ali Khan has asked Kareena Kapoor to marry him. We had tapped into their phone conversation and you can catch the entire marriage proposal first, yes you heard first, on our channel right after this show. Yes Rahul go ahead."

"Our party is really happy about how Obama's visit is shaping out to be. Its great news that the President of USA has strongly endorsed our aspiration for a permanent membership in the Security Council. This means we are on par with China and other developed countries. Our party is really proud because this endorsement happened during..."

"Rahul I want you to hold right there because the public thinks our channel is responsible for pressurizing Obama to make those pro-India comments. Infact we have a special coverage at 9PM where everyone are going to praise us."

BREAKING NEWS U.S. DOESN'T EXPECT ANY REFORMS IN U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE  

"Ha ha ha...you are surely joking Randeep. Do you really think that Obama follows what you telecast on your channel. Somehow you have got the wrong notion that your channel... "

"This is gross injustice to us. We have been covering Obama's visit 24x7 stalking him to every nook and corner thereby giving a break to all your corrupt MPs. But this..."
 
"See this is what happens if you don't allow me to complete my statements. What I meant was that only Obama doesn't see your channel. But the people of India really enjoy all the entertainment, ouch! I mean the news telecasted on your channel. Infact our government is planning to honor you with a Padmashri this year for the service you have rendered to the Indian democracy."

"Sir we are really honored with this announcement. Looks like I will be the first news presenter to get a Padmashri. I am really excited about this. Anyway coming to the final guest on our show who is a very famous personality and has a huge fan following all over the world. Its none other than the Badhshah of Bollywood, Mr.Shahrukh Khan. As a Mumbaikar you should be really happy that Obama has indicted the P-country of 26/11 attacks."

"Frankly I don't know why I have been called on to this discussion. But now that I am here..."

"Shahrukh I am sorry to interrupt you in the middle but I think we need to end this program as one of our reporters has been able to sneak into Obamas' suite in the Taj Hotel and we are going to telecast live from there!! Lets continue this discussion tomorrow."