The Condemned XI

The news that NASA is planning an one-way  manned mission to Mars to establish human settlements wanted me to laugh out loud. But as history has taught me, such an act would only re-direct that same laughter 100 years later at my grave. So it is only safe to assume that we will some day have human settlements in Mars. And that day will mark mankind's greatest scientific endeavor ever. Anyways the 'how' and 'when' this is going to happen is for those brilliant of brilliant minds to decide. And for the record I want to say that nothing is going to move my ass out of this lovely blue planet!!

Now moving on to what I wanted to scribble here, supposing there comes a day when Earth can no more accommodate an extra human being. And the People's Republic of China (the then super-power) decides to transport  humans to settlements in Mars. Now the question is - Which XI of your fellow human beings would you so badly want to banish to Mars? For me it turned out to be pretty easy. There are quite a few guys/gals whom I would have 'un-created' if only the word existed in the dictionary. So I would use this opportunity to banish those people and rescue humanity from the burden of co-existing with these... 

 

George.W.Bush Apart from having overseen one-half of all cruelties against mankind in the last decade, there is no one who embodies the explorative spirit of humans better than him. Infact he is so unrelenting in his quests that even non-existent resources (WMD in Iraq!) can't deter him. We could use such a guy on Mars to explore water and even oil!!

Osama Bin Laden The perfect 'better-half' of Bush in the sense he perpetrated the remaining half of all cruelties against humans. This trip to Mars will give them both lots of private moments to catch up with each other and try to understand why mankind despises them a lot. And his knowledge of explosives can come in handy for the heavy construction work that will kick-start on the red planet.

Benjamin Netanyahu Establishing human settlements on Mars is like hmmm....Jews slowly trickling into Palestine to the extent they become the majority and declare it a Jewish state. So who else can be more qualified than the Prime Minister of Israel in this mission of involuntary colonization. Also he can scout for settlements for the first wave of Jewish Inter-Planetary Exodus. 
Kim Jong-il Those who don't know him, he is the current leader of North Korea who is preceded by his father and is to be succeeded by his son. Basically he runs a country like a family business. Also he is such a huge fan of science and technology that he believes nuclear warheads can deliver his fellow countrymen out of hunger and poverty. So lets use space technology to deliver him out of this planet.

Bal Thackarey For someone who thinks Mumbai is a fantasy land in some remote corner of the world, this trip will give him an opportunity to look from outer space and get his geography right. Also for a man who is ultra-proud to be anything that starts with 'M' (Marathi, Mumbaikar, Maniac...), being a Martian will only be another feather in his cap.

Suresh Kalmadi Kamal Haasan once said - "Thamizhla ayiram varthaigal irukidhu. Aana ennaku thevai padumbodhu oru varthai kedaika matingadhu". Similarly, every other politician in India is a **...** (fill whatever u want). But when I have to recollect a name Kalmadi is what comes to my mind. Poor guy he has been victimized by my poor memory. Anyway one of the guys responsible for his rise to (de)fame is next on the list. They have a lot of time to settle their score.

Rajdeep Sardesai (Behalf of media jingoism) There were many contestants for this place. But he marginally pipped them all with his daily 'call for war' (news reading) and the chest beatings about the various 'firsts' of his channel. Just imagine the amount of crap he is going to dish out if he stays back on earth during this space odyssey. So for a change let him be the news-maker rather than the news-screamer. 

Paris Hilton The few things she is self-worthy of, she owes it to her lucky chance of being born in the right womb at the right time. But that doesn't give her the right to abuse her self-existence so much that the thought of co-existing with her irritates me to the core. In Mars she might get the chance to sleep with new species and also her dumbness might not look out of sorts in this group.  

Mallika Sherawat She has bared all she can and earthlings have seen all what they can. So her purpose on Earth has pretty much been served. Also in her latest skin flick (literally!!) Hisss, she has mastered the art of seducing snakes. So could come in handy to seduce Martians if the group encounters any.

'Ilayathazhavali' Vijay The fact that he was the protagonist in movies like Sura, Kuruvi, Thirupachi, Thirumalai, Madurai et.al speak volumes of his torture skills and are reasNorons enough to banish him from Earth. A small loss for his family...but a huge gain for mankind. Tamil movie fans will love me for eternity for this noble deed. 
Mandira Bedi  Pioneer of today's saas-bahu tearjerkers, co-hosting the 2007 World Cup without knowing an iota of the game...What more does one need to do to get packed off from earth. Though she faced stiff competition from Shilpa Shetty (whose 'Big Brother' experience would have come in handy in the hostile conditions on Mars) for the final spot, I had to give it to Mandira for her uncanny ability to pain us in a wide ranging manner.
 
P.S. - For the original Mars article take a look at this link

Lonely at the top.....

It is getting pretty lonely at the top these days. And if you want to know how boring and melancholic it is to be alone at the top, ask Sachin or Roger or Tiger. But it wasn't like this always. Few years ago a lot of my friends were performing at the top most level and there was a lot of healthy competition between us. As we grew older, the going got tougher and the pressures and anxieties started building up. A lot of my friends were not able to stand up to these adverse conditions and they slowly started fading away. And even those guys who supposedly were smarter than me weren't able to compete at such dizzy heights and succumbed to the pressures. Luckily for me since my fundamentals were strongly rooted, I was able to stand up to these challenges and perform better than them. At one level I am happy that I have been able to stand the test of time but at another level I am missing all the fun I used to have with my friends. And with every passing day I am not very sure if I can withstand the crescendoing stress levels. But it is very pertinent that I hold my nerves together and somehow cling on to the top slot. Else it might leave the author completely bald!!

As cribbed by the lonely hair follicle in the above narrative, the author has not become so progressively bald. But it dreads this might be the case soon.

Irregularity saves the day!!

Warning : This article is a product of my random thought. So don't mind the insanity....

If there is one trait of mine that makes me hate myself the most, then that has to be my irregularity. Its not that I worried about it much, but people around me seemed to be affected by it a lot - one of the shortcomings of being a social animal! My non-systematic approach to life had cost me a lot. In-fact in hindsight I think I would have achieved more – it’s another thing that I have not achieved anything yet - if only I hadn’t been as irregular as I was, am and will be (Old habits die hard). In short, regularity and systematic working is one of those traits that still keeps evading me.

But as nothing is eternally good in this world, so is regularity too. And this discovery came from a very unlikely source - Hollywood movies. A lot of guys will be familiar with a genre of Hollywood movies that deals with some kind of heist like The Great Train Robbery, Rififi, The Great escape et.al. The most riveting part of such movies is the immaculate planning that goes into pulling out the heist. And the entire planning takes advantage of the systematic routine that is embedded in the target environment. Now you should be knowing where I am arriving at. Yes exactly there. It struck me as very ironical that a trait that is so much desired seems to have a shortcoming. So guys anyone planning to run a bank or start a jewelry boutique, remember to operate your venture in a non-systematic manner!!