The media blow job!

This Diwali, TV channels were all about two super hit movies. One was 'Endhiran' starring the GOD (Grand Old Daddy) and another was the Hollywood movie 'Good will hunting' (not to be confused with the one starring Matt Damon)  which deals with the journey of a middle-aged American couple who come to India to expand their business empire by apparently earning the good will of its people. The Indians fall for their trap and dish out royal treatment but are left empty handed. Whether the Indians get back their revenge or not forms the rest of the story. The movie starred the real life couple Barack Obama and Michelle Obama and was premiered on all Indian news channels. Those who don't get the metaphor should have been worshiping the GOD on the regional channels. Because the Indian media had once again gone over-board, with their coverage of Obamas' visit evoking a sense of dejavu!

The Indian media had been a terrified lot on the prospect of facing a lull period ahead. The next IPL was far ahead. The CWG had just concluded. And there were no terror attacks to telecast. Then like the sun which rises in the east, the Obamas arose from the west to offer them a glimmer of 'HOPE'. And Obama atlast got an opportunity to convert the 4 letter word (he had been bragging two winters back) into the 6 letter word 'ACTION'. Though I had pushed all these Indian news channels very far down, every time my cable operator retunes I get unlucky. One such chance encounter with the annoying kind is what I have tried to caricature in this blog. 

Disclaimer - The decibel levels in this show are subject to the mood of the news presenter and there is no assurance or guarantee that your hearing might be the same after this show.

"Welcome everyone. You are watching India@6 on Channel1 - India's leading news channel. This show has been moved from 9PM to 6PM so that we are the first to break every major news!"

"The major story breaking today on our network as will be for the next few weeks, is about Mr.Obama's visit to India. Today is a momentous day in the history of India-U.S. ties. Mr.Obama has atlast uttered the unholy P-word on Indian soil buckling to the relentless pressure exerted by our channel!!

"He also strongly supported India's bid for a permanent seat in UNSC! No other country has been able to earn such an unconditional endorsement from U.S. Channel1 has been receiving praises from various quarters for able to achieve things that even Indian diplomacy couldn't. There will be a special coverage of this today @ 9PM."

BREAKING NEWS PROMINENT BOLLYWOOD LOVE-BIRDS TO TIE THE NUPTIAL KNOT!! 

"Joining us today in our studio are famous personalities to discuss the huge significance of this historic event on the future of India in particular and the world in general. Lets start with Mr.Karat. Sir, your party has always been skeptical of the Indo-U.S. ties. But the latest slew of announcements made by Obama - thanks to our channel -  should infuse lot of confidence in your politburo."

"Randeep, what Mr.Obama said was that he would like to see a reformed security council with India as a permanent member. He never mentioned..."

"Mr.Karat, I asked you a straightforward question but you are trying to beat around the bush. Just..."

"No I am just trying to explain the real..."

"Sir you are trying to hog a lot of air time by getting into unnecessary details. So just reply to my question in one word - Does the recent announcements made by Obama take Indo-U.S. ties to the next level?"
 
"No. The reason..."

"I think we are losing contact with Mr.Karat. In the meantime lets hear from Mr.Rahul the spokesperson of the ruling party. On a side note there is news trickling in that Saif Ali Khan has asked Kareena Kapoor to marry him. We had tapped into their phone conversation and you can catch the entire marriage proposal first, yes you heard first, on our channel right after this show. Yes Rahul go ahead."

"Our party is really happy about how Obama's visit is shaping out to be. Its great news that the President of USA has strongly endorsed our aspiration for a permanent membership in the Security Council. This means we are on par with China and other developed countries. Our party is really proud because this endorsement happened during..."

"Rahul I want you to hold right there because the public thinks our channel is responsible for pressurizing Obama to make those pro-India comments. Infact we have a special coverage at 9PM where everyone are going to praise us."

BREAKING NEWS U.S. DOESN'T EXPECT ANY REFORMS IN U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE  

"Ha ha ha...you are surely joking Randeep. Do you really think that Obama follows what you telecast on your channel. Somehow you have got the wrong notion that your channel... "

"This is gross injustice to us. We have been covering Obama's visit 24x7 stalking him to every nook and corner thereby giving a break to all your corrupt MPs. But this..."
 
"See this is what happens if you don't allow me to complete my statements. What I meant was that only Obama doesn't see your channel. But the people of India really enjoy all the entertainment, ouch! I mean the news telecasted on your channel. Infact our government is planning to honor you with a Padmashri this year for the service you have rendered to the Indian democracy."

"Sir we are really honored with this announcement. Looks like I will be the first news presenter to get a Padmashri. I am really excited about this. Anyway coming to the final guest on our show who is a very famous personality and has a huge fan following all over the world. Its none other than the Badhshah of Bollywood, Mr.Shahrukh Khan. As a Mumbaikar you should be really happy that Obama has indicted the P-country of 26/11 attacks."

"Frankly I don't know why I have been called on to this discussion. But now that I am here..."

"Shahrukh I am sorry to interrupt you in the middle but I think we need to end this program as one of our reporters has been able to sneak into Obamas' suite in the Taj Hotel and we are going to telecast live from there!! Lets continue this discussion tomorrow."

The Condemned XI

The news that NASA is planning an one-way  manned mission to Mars to establish human settlements wanted me to laugh out loud. But as history has taught me, such an act would only re-direct that same laughter 100 years later at my grave. So it is only safe to assume that we will some day have human settlements in Mars. And that day will mark mankind's greatest scientific endeavor ever. Anyways the 'how' and 'when' this is going to happen is for those brilliant of brilliant minds to decide. And for the record I want to say that nothing is going to move my ass out of this lovely blue planet!!

Now moving on to what I wanted to scribble here, supposing there comes a day when Earth can no more accommodate an extra human being. And the People's Republic of China (the then super-power) decides to transport  humans to settlements in Mars. Now the question is - Which XI of your fellow human beings would you so badly want to banish to Mars? For me it turned out to be pretty easy. There are quite a few guys/gals whom I would have 'un-created' if only the word existed in the dictionary. So I would use this opportunity to banish those people and rescue humanity from the burden of co-existing with these... 

 

George.W.Bush Apart from having overseen one-half of all cruelties against mankind in the last decade, there is no one who embodies the explorative spirit of humans better than him. Infact he is so unrelenting in his quests that even non-existent resources (WMD in Iraq!) can't deter him. We could use such a guy on Mars to explore water and even oil!!

Osama Bin Laden The perfect 'better-half' of Bush in the sense he perpetrated the remaining half of all cruelties against humans. This trip to Mars will give them both lots of private moments to catch up with each other and try to understand why mankind despises them a lot. And his knowledge of explosives can come in handy for the heavy construction work that will kick-start on the red planet.

Benjamin Netanyahu Establishing human settlements on Mars is like hmmm....Jews slowly trickling into Palestine to the extent they become the majority and declare it a Jewish state. So who else can be more qualified than the Prime Minister of Israel in this mission of involuntary colonization. Also he can scout for settlements for the first wave of Jewish Inter-Planetary Exodus. 
Kim Jong-il Those who don't know him, he is the current leader of North Korea who is preceded by his father and is to be succeeded by his son. Basically he runs a country like a family business. Also he is such a huge fan of science and technology that he believes nuclear warheads can deliver his fellow countrymen out of hunger and poverty. So lets use space technology to deliver him out of this planet.

Bal Thackarey For someone who thinks Mumbai is a fantasy land in some remote corner of the world, this trip will give him an opportunity to look from outer space and get his geography right. Also for a man who is ultra-proud to be anything that starts with 'M' (Marathi, Mumbaikar, Maniac...), being a Martian will only be another feather in his cap.

Suresh Kalmadi Kamal Haasan once said - "Thamizhla ayiram varthaigal irukidhu. Aana ennaku thevai padumbodhu oru varthai kedaika matingadhu". Similarly, every other politician in India is a **...** (fill whatever u want). But when I have to recollect a name Kalmadi is what comes to my mind. Poor guy he has been victimized by my poor memory. Anyway one of the guys responsible for his rise to (de)fame is next on the list. They have a lot of time to settle their score.

Rajdeep Sardesai (Behalf of media jingoism) There were many contestants for this place. But he marginally pipped them all with his daily 'call for war' (news reading) and the chest beatings about the various 'firsts' of his channel. Just imagine the amount of crap he is going to dish out if he stays back on earth during this space odyssey. So for a change let him be the news-maker rather than the news-screamer. 

Paris Hilton The few things she is self-worthy of, she owes it to her lucky chance of being born in the right womb at the right time. But that doesn't give her the right to abuse her self-existence so much that the thought of co-existing with her irritates me to the core. In Mars she might get the chance to sleep with new species and also her dumbness might not look out of sorts in this group.  

Mallika Sherawat She has bared all she can and earthlings have seen all what they can. So her purpose on Earth has pretty much been served. Also in her latest skin flick (literally!!) Hisss, she has mastered the art of seducing snakes. So could come in handy to seduce Martians if the group encounters any.

'Ilayathazhavali' Vijay The fact that he was the protagonist in movies like Sura, Kuruvi, Thirupachi, Thirumalai, Madurai et.al speak volumes of his torture skills and are reasNorons enough to banish him from Earth. A small loss for his family...but a huge gain for mankind. Tamil movie fans will love me for eternity for this noble deed. 
Mandira Bedi  Pioneer of today's saas-bahu tearjerkers, co-hosting the 2007 World Cup without knowing an iota of the game...What more does one need to do to get packed off from earth. Though she faced stiff competition from Shilpa Shetty (whose 'Big Brother' experience would have come in handy in the hostile conditions on Mars) for the final spot, I had to give it to Mandira for her uncanny ability to pain us in a wide ranging manner.
 
P.S. - For the original Mars article take a look at this link

An ode to the human spirit

Okay. Now I completely comprehend the bigger universal appeal sports enjoys over academics. Both these fields have been peppered by many a men who have time and again displayed astounding skills and an indomitable, indefatigable spirit to overcome adversity. The Einstiens, Edisons and Newtons have shown what ingenuity and creativity the human mind is capable of. The ideas they conjure up in those lofty grey areas have continually helped in the advancement of the human race. In a similar way the Sachins, Anands, Federers and Nadals apart from displaying their unique talent have also exhibited amazing mental fortitude and the highest level of competitive spirit. But in an era of instant gratification, sports heavily scores over academics because it involves live and streaming display of the primordial instinct of survival of the fittest. And one such display was the epic battle(it literally was one) fought out between Isner and Mahut on Court 18 of Wimbledon for 11 hours and 8 mins over three days!!!  

Frankly I didn't get to watch a significant portion of the match courtesy FIFA world cup which has flooded all television channels with football matches. But a scorecard which reads 6-4 3-6 6-7 7-6 70-68 conveys all the missed action and drama. I can't fathom what kept these guys consistently inspired considering the fact that it was only the first round of the Wimbledon, both the players didn't have any pride at stake and at the end of this epic marathon one man's effort was going to be in vain (And the winner Isner lost the next match in 74 minutes!!). It surely wouldn't have been the urge to win the Wimbledon championship or the adulation they were recieving from the spectators. Infact after some point they would have been impervious to their surroundings. The  one and only motivating force would have been the human mind which gets an orgasm everytime it is faced with adversity and the unrelenting human spirit which has taken our civilization so far. Interestingly almost exactly two years ago Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal played the Wimbledon final which is widely regarded as the greatest tennis match ever. Luckily I got to see the entire match live and what a match it was! I was relatively new to tennis those days and didn't know the nuances of the game. But it didn't matter because after some time tennis was side-lined and it was two supreme champions testing the elasticity of the insurmountable human spirit. The quality of tennis was always on the ascent and it seemed like the two players were conduncting a symphony on grass. 

The above two instances are only a small subset of a sample space that boasts many such hair raising experiences. Even now the thought of 'Operation Desert Storm' (Sachin's exploits in Sharjah and not that of U.S against Iraq) gives me goose-bumps.  And add to this list the way Vishwanathan Anand won the FIDE chess championship this year after a 40-hour road travel and losing the opening match. (All this makes me regret the way I treated sports and games with disdain in my school and college days. This was owing to my physical disability (read as "overweight") coupled with my pre-concieved notion that academics was superior to sports.)  For all the despiseful things that we humans keep doing to the earth's habitat and its habitants, that grey matter within our skull and its far-reaching capabilities displayed by some of our fellow scientists and sports-persons makes me to yearn to be born a human being if I have another chance.

Proliferation of the decomposition of tamil cinema

(Disclaimer : All characters referred to in this post are NOT figments of my imagination. If there is any resemblance to reel life characters, it is exactly whom you think they are.)

Imagine this - Our 'Mr.Ilaya thazhavali[sic]' Vijay after watching 'Vettaikaran' with his wife and son, eagerly asks his wife for her feedback. Or 'Mr.Title-relinquisher-on-account-of-unworthiness' Ajith Kumar accompanied by Shalini  watches 'Asal' and asks her the same dreaded question - How eez the movie sweetheart? I really pity these women and our resilient audience who keep going back to theaters expecting a decent movie at-least on their God knows which visit. Are tamil movies so bad these days? For those innocent souls, sample these -     

• In the late 60's when a soon-to-become-CM was happily serenading a   not-so-soon-to-become-CM, heroes were portrayed with a lot of dignity as wealthy businessmen, doctors, law enforcement officers and even scientists. But these days they are all uniformly cast as happy-go-lucky uneducated youth sitting on a wall (frequented by stupid donkeys)  along with their friends who never seem to age. Well, we (read as audience) are to be blamed to some extent for this. Fed up with the 'angry young man' themes of the 80's, we wanted some realism in our movies. Looks like the directors had taken it very seriously and started casting heroes (read as Vijays and Dhanushs) in their real life avatars.
• Gone are the movies where heroines were a prominent part of  the hero's reel life (ya sometimes real life too). These days whenever our hero is fed up caring for his ailing mother or 'vazha vetti' sister or unemployed brother or bashing the villains,  he jumps into a Raymond suit or Tommy Hilfiger outfit and starts dancing with the girl nearest to him in the movie sets. That girl is the heroine. And if that girl gives a solo performance thats the 'item' girl.
• If the movie has no story or screenplay but a compulsory run-time of  2.5 hours and the producer has lot of funds, cast another heroine and picturize 2 more songs in a foreign locale.
• Can we ever imagine Sivaji Ganeshan doing a triple somersault followed by a long jump followed by a pole vault 'n' number of times? It's one thing that his anatomy wouldn't allow him to do so, but the fact is he didn't have a Kanal kannan or Rambo Rajkumar as stunt masters. These guys make a completely mockery of Sir Isaac Newton with the help of Archimedes (defying gravity with the help of pulleys and levers) and help our heroes vertically scale running trains and flying planes . But one good thing is they have done away with the biggest legacy of tamil cinema on mankind - that quintessential 'dishoom-dishoom' BGM.
• From the days of Nambiar to Nasser, villains had a real bash in movies. They got to trash the hero till the climax, forcefully sleep with some close or distant relative (obviously female relative) of the hero  and at the end get general amnesty.  But  now a days they get the trashed from the beginning, can't touch even the hero's servant maid and on top of it have to consistently shout at 90dB level.
• Latest techniques to compose a song - A.) Pick your favorite old song. Attenuate the voice and amplify the music and throw in some drum beats here and there. And place it exactly in the middle of the only good scene in the movie. B.) Repeat A. 
• The latest menace are the new breed of hero cum director cum producers who look like and act like yuck. But whats the big deal. Cast yuckier guys as co-artistes and all is well by the theory of relativity .

And the worst among the herd are those directors who staunchly believe in the concept of re-usability and hence don't want to waste their non-existent creativity.

(N.B. - The title suggests nothing more than the fact that tamil cinema is decomposing rapidly...)

Home Away 10 : The Nirvana

So it is that time of the year, when 'time' for a brief instance is not a continuum but rather jumps to a new start point as if resetting our lives. And as we usher into the next decade, it also marks a decade of me adventuring out of my home. From the cozy womb of my home to the hallowed portals of one lofty institution to another loftier institution to my dream career, the journey has been ebullient, enlightening, and exasperating all at once. What is to follow is a reminiscence of the indelible mark it has left on my fabric of life. (Looks like I have over indulged in hyperbole in the previous sentences. Well, that is me when I am free-flowing and just wanted to show some folks how much effort I or otherwise put to curtail my natural instincts.)

The day I left my native town to pursue college, it was the beginning of a life-long journey away from things that had defined my life till that time. And that thought was overwhelming. To add salt to the wound, the initial days in hostel did me no good either. For a boy physically and mentally corrupted by the luxuries of home nurturing, the prospect  of being on my own in a hostel (that looked all but uninhabitable) was daunting. From having a room to all myself to only having a bed, from delicious food to unpalatable grub, from washing machine to washing hands, life was clearly miserable. But it parallely opened up a new world with a lot of exciting vistas. Far from the scrutinizing eyes of my parents and in the company of friends who were in sync with me, I realized why college was the much touted sanctum of fun. If there was something that I had in abundance it was the freedom to explore and interpret the world the way I wanted. College culturals, class trips, late night shows, and late-into-the-night chats, it was a new and addictive experience. And after many years of patient waiting I also had the chance to interact with the fairer sex.

But as freedom in the hands of a corrupt politician can spoil the nation, I too started feeling the toll. Academic performance became an inverse function of the college year. Lot of technical knowledge I gained, but they weren't compatible with grades. There was a huge chasm between what I had desired and what I achieved. With a heavy heart I scraped through to the institution on the other side of the road with a brief pit stop at an IT company.

The day I landed there I realized this place wasn't going to be easy. My passion for analog design had led me here, but initially it was difficult to stand up to it high standards as I had been on a long sabbatical from academics. My guide was a genius and a task master (inseparable traits!!!) and he made a nice ham of my lazy a**. But here again I found some in-sync guys who helped me in redeeming the academic loses I had suffered. I also started developing keen interest in world cinema, world politics, photography and even my external personality (something that I thought would never engage me). And off the campus I had regular bashes with my old buddies. Towards the end, life again became miserable sans accommodation, sans job and sans signs of passing out. Those were really dark days and I was just banking on time to pop an answer. And 'time' it came when I moved to a career in analog design and thats where I am right now after ten years.

The last decade had seen the world undergo a sea of changes and thats the case with me too. The things that define my life now are vastly off from what they were a decade ago. I have undergone subtle and drastic changes and my perspective of lot of things has changed. Memories are what make us laugh at things that made us cry and cry at things that made us laugh and I am full of it.  It was a journey that I am completely happy I ventured into...